I Fuck Away Your Lyme Disease... Or Your Fluids Back

Your certified professional

Completely legitimate doctoring for the whole family!


Q: Does it really work?
A: Yes

Q: How bullshit is it?
A: Not bullshit at all, it is a totally legitimate practice

Q: Can ALL of my life disease be fucked away?
A: With continuing treatments. We even offer maintenance treatments on a payment plan!

Q: Is "Good Doctor Eli" a real doctor?
A: The "short answer" is that Eli is a Licenced Medicinologist™

Q: Does the good doctor Eli support any charities?
A: Dicks out for Harambe


"Having lyme disease fucked away is the best treatment I've found since I decrease the appearance of my unsightly swolen lymph nodes with Lapto-Plab!"
-A. Gutow, Licensed Medicinologisti™

"Yeah, I guess I don't have Lyme disease."
A.S.B., Client

"Dr. Eli really very much like me."
J. Christ, Fan

"I've literally never caught lyme disease since I met Dr. Eli."
H. Enwright, BIG fan

"They don't call him 'the magician' for nothing! I had lyme disease, now I only have pink eye."
R. Comfort, professional

"I'd give my left ark for another treatment."
K. Ham, captain

"I got off during good behavior thanks to Dr. Eli."
K. Hovind, PhD

"Dr. Eli helped both me and my dad simultaneously work out our issues."
E. Hovind, personality

"Why do we even have the fucking whiteboard Eli?"
N. Lugeons, 'radio' 'host'

"You know what they do in San Francisco? Some in the gay community there, they want to get people. So if they got the stuff they’ll have a ring, you shake hands and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger. Lyme everywhere."
P. Robertson, zombie

"My lyme disease was really messing up my movies... Or was it?"
M. Night Shyamalan, dead all along

"I think Starbucks has recognized that the flavor of their lattes...is that they are using lyme disease to make that latte even more flavorful. You may not be able to find my explanation suitable to meet the empirical standards. But let's just say I know because Dr. Eli told me."
J. D. Manning, coffee lover

"It not only cured my Lyme disease, it permanently frosted my tips!"
D. A. R. White, Hollywood superstar/hair model

A. Jones, real news

"Dogs don't even get lyme disease."
J. Smith, County Animal Control Officer

We'll be done any day now For realsies

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